In a world full of iPhone Apps and constant stimulation I find it hard to sit with myself and think. Think about the day, reflect on my feelings, sit and be still. It’s tough. The world has conditioned me to always be doing something- quickly. You’re here, you’re there, you need to be everywhere in between. Don’t rest because time is money and money makes the world go ’round!
I didn’t realize how out of control busy I had gotten until I got a day off. A day off from work, from school, from anything pressing to do. I purposefully abandoned cleaning the house and yardwork. I didn’t feel like going to the gym, or getting on the internet, or writing a paper that’s due next week. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch a movie. The only problem is, that was a lot easier said than done.
Somehow my life spiraled into a whirlwind of to-do lists. I carry a planner in my purse, leave notes on the whiteboard on my fridge, use 2 calendars in my office, upload appointments into my PalmPilot, and still manage to not have enough room to write down all of the things I need to get done within the week. It’s crazy. In the midst of it all, it doesn’t seem out of control. It seems like life. But once you’re free from it, you realize just how sad and pathetic it seems to be. What have I become? Someone who can’t even sit down with myself and enjoy relaxation? Pitiful.
How do you get by? That day where my calendar was free of obligations I sat down to watch TV and ended up finding that my attention span lasted no longer than 6 minutes. By then I was already thinking about something else I could be doing, relentlessly going over the next day in my head, writing out lists…lists…LISTS…like a crazy person. I honestly don’t know how I got to this point. Well, actually I do. For the past year I’ve been working, going to school full time, and planning my wedding- no easy tasks. Each tedious in their own respects and stressful beyond belief most of the time. Now that the wedding planning is over and college graduation is coming up I feel as though I need to fill my day with other things- like cleaning. Intense cleaning. And organizing, and landscaping. Perhaps I’m nesting? I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s annoying but almost an impulse that I can’t get out of.
Sidenote: Landscaping is hard. Taking care of plants is hard. I am constantly visiting Lowe’s to buy more plants because I manage to kill all of mine. I dig the holes, pour the soil, everything like the directions on the tag says! Why don’t I have a green thumb!? Everyone else’s plants look great! Mine suck. I feel like a failure.
I don’t really know what I’m learning from this- perhaps that taking breaks are a good thing. That your calendars don’t have to be full to lead a vibrant life. That maybe too many to-do lists actually take you away from the important things…like yourself.
Keep Squeezing,
A.
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